I can't express how much it hurts to be rejected sexually by my husband. I must want this, though, or it wouldn't be happening.
In other news, he gave me a gift certificate for a desperately needed massage. I'd trade it in for him to desire me again, though. I don't know how I am going to live without a sex life. I do know how it went during my previous marriage, though, and it did not go well.
I suppose I have to face that again and not run away this time.
In other news, he gave me a gift certificate for a desperately needed massage. I'd trade it in for him to desire me again, though. I don't know how I am going to live without a sex life. I do know how it went during my previous marriage, though, and it did not go well.
I suppose I have to face that again and not run away this time.
The past week has been pretty nice. We had a very quiet Memorial Day weekend. I took lots of naps to catch up on sleep, and he immersed himself in a book he's been wanting to read. Last night he commented to me how important that weekend was to us... we reconnected and felt each other's peacefulness, we supported each other and gave to each other. It was an intimate, deeply connecting time, but we did absolutely nothing.
I had been reeling for a while over the conversation with our friend. I pulled back from him, found my place in submission to my husband, and let it all go. I did not forget the conversation about my prideful bitch, the part of me that gets me in more trouble than anything else. He sees her, and I am finally able to see her. I am starting to see the areas of my life in which I dig in my heels and refuse to submit. She's in control there.
The other night, he was talking to me about a disagreement he had with a woman through work. She was being highly unreasonable, as some people can be, and it took all of His power to walk away from confrontation. He said, "I just wanted to push her to the ground and slap her until she submitted and realized what a bitch she was being."
Something in me stirred. There is a part of me that wishes he would do that to me... push me to the ground and slap my prideful bitch until she let go and my submissive self came forward. I imagined it, felt it, made it happen in my mind.
I know he would never do this. We do not have a BDSM relationship. He will not hit me. He says he fears what will come out of him if he does. Instead, he withholds that, the punishments that I could relax my physical body into and let go completely. My punishments come from his words.
And he knows it cuts me deeper and harder that way. I have to do more work to submit to him when his words sting me deeper than his hand ever could.
Hmm.
In other news, I had a revelation about trust. We've been talking lately about trust: how he trusts people too much at times and gets burned, about how I trust absolutely NO ONE, yes, not even him enough, and I never get to experience the connection of trust. I was saying something about how we balance each other, but even that was not right.
I am grappling with this idea of trust. I trust Him like I trust no one else. I have given up all that I knew as my reality, my belief systems, my world, in order to be submissive to this Man. Trusting Him has worked for me well. But I am aware I am still working towards fully trusting him. I don't know if trust is a black and white thing, either you trust someone or you don't. I trust a lot about Him, but I don't know if I trust everything.
And as I ponder all of this, it hits me. This is why I submit, this is why it feels good.
Trust.
Without trust it doesn't work.
I know I could submit more; those feelings move within my body. I know I could give more and get upset less, when I let go into submission, nothing he could do or say can hurt or upset me. I have this place deep in my body where it all just falls into place.
It feels so good to be in that space. To be there and know he could fuck other women or have relationships with other women and I would be okay, unharmed, still full of love and service. (And believe me, to know this place exists within me is monumentally huge for me.)
I don't go there because I don't trust... not enough.
If I gave that to him, what would that mean? What would change? Would he stop loving me? The fear is too great. And I can't go there.
Yet.
And luckily, he gives me the kindness and space to go as deep as I can when I can without pushing me.
Even when we had the "prideful bitch" conversation, he was gentle and kind with me. He felt so grateful to be heard and understood, and I felt so humbled for seeing it and thankful that he puts up with me as much as he has.
Wow, this got long. Happy weekend.
I had been reeling for a while over the conversation with our friend. I pulled back from him, found my place in submission to my husband, and let it all go. I did not forget the conversation about my prideful bitch, the part of me that gets me in more trouble than anything else. He sees her, and I am finally able to see her. I am starting to see the areas of my life in which I dig in my heels and refuse to submit. She's in control there.
The other night, he was talking to me about a disagreement he had with a woman through work. She was being highly unreasonable, as some people can be, and it took all of His power to walk away from confrontation. He said, "I just wanted to push her to the ground and slap her until she submitted and realized what a bitch she was being."
Something in me stirred. There is a part of me that wishes he would do that to me... push me to the ground and slap my prideful bitch until she let go and my submissive self came forward. I imagined it, felt it, made it happen in my mind.
I know he would never do this. We do not have a BDSM relationship. He will not hit me. He says he fears what will come out of him if he does. Instead, he withholds that, the punishments that I could relax my physical body into and let go completely. My punishments come from his words.
And he knows it cuts me deeper and harder that way. I have to do more work to submit to him when his words sting me deeper than his hand ever could.
Hmm.
In other news, I had a revelation about trust. We've been talking lately about trust: how he trusts people too much at times and gets burned, about how I trust absolutely NO ONE, yes, not even him enough, and I never get to experience the connection of trust. I was saying something about how we balance each other, but even that was not right.
I am grappling with this idea of trust. I trust Him like I trust no one else. I have given up all that I knew as my reality, my belief systems, my world, in order to be submissive to this Man. Trusting Him has worked for me well. But I am aware I am still working towards fully trusting him. I don't know if trust is a black and white thing, either you trust someone or you don't. I trust a lot about Him, but I don't know if I trust everything.
And as I ponder all of this, it hits me. This is why I submit, this is why it feels good.
Trust.
Without trust it doesn't work.
I know I could submit more; those feelings move within my body. I know I could give more and get upset less, when I let go into submission, nothing he could do or say can hurt or upset me. I have this place deep in my body where it all just falls into place.
It feels so good to be in that space. To be there and know he could fuck other women or have relationships with other women and I would be okay, unharmed, still full of love and service. (And believe me, to know this place exists within me is monumentally huge for me.)
I don't go there because I don't trust... not enough.
If I gave that to him, what would that mean? What would change? Would he stop loving me? The fear is too great. And I can't go there.
Yet.
And luckily, he gives me the kindness and space to go as deep as I can when I can without pushing me.
Even when we had the "prideful bitch" conversation, he was gentle and kind with me. He felt so grateful to be heard and understood, and I felt so humbled for seeing it and thankful that he puts up with me as much as he has.
Wow, this got long. Happy weekend.
I haven't written in a long time. There is so very much going on, it's been hard to live it let alone write about it.
We have been through a rough six months. Part of the roughness has been M trying to come to terms with the changes in our lives. Amazingly, I've been the one acclimating to the change better, which is unusual. But I have Him to put my trust in, and He feels that it is all on His shoulders.
It's not, of course, but He feels it, so I need to respect that.
I learned last week how my behavior has been affecting Him, and how I have not been a very good submissive wife to him at all. It took a friend to note this to us. Had he just said it to me, I would have not been as affected. But he said it to both of us, and I felt bad. Then we had another conversation about it, and I felt incredibly humbled.
This is my very first D/s relationship, and it's His too, and I think our expectations are out of whack. He expects me to cultivate my own submission, and I expect him to lead me there. I guess the answer is somewhere in between. He does not want me using sex as my motivation for submission, he wants it to come from someplace deeper within me, and honestly, I have to tell you I don't know where that place is or how to access it. So much of my motivation for submission is the intense and wonderful sexual feelings I have when I do submit, and I can use that sexual experience in pretty much all areas. But he says it overwhelms him, it feels like a subtle sexual aggression, and he doesn't like it.
I try to explain that he should love how sexually attuned and open I am to him, and he says that he does love that, but he needs to feel like I am opening sexually because of his sexual energy not because of mine.
Hmmm. I don't know how. The whole situation of constant arousal as advocated by the submissivewife.org -- hey, why not? It works for me. But it doesn't work for him, so I guess I have to find another way.
I have to admit that I am not entirely happy with our sex life. I want more than I get, and I am still harboring resentment from discussions about his sex drive for younger women. I know he loves me, but I need more sexual energy from him and I don't know how to get it. Talking about it obviously doesn't help. Yet I feel like I am asked to allow him non-monogamy when I am not getting enough. It hurts a lot and I don't know how to get over it.
Maybe we're just not matched in that department. He says I put too much emphasis on sex, but after being in a sexless marriage for 10 years prior to meeting Him, I fear going back to that.
All other areas of our relationship seem to be in a very good place, though, so I guess I can't complain too much.
I've had a good weekend. It was rather laid back and I didn't get much done at all, but I spent the weekend with my boy and my Man, and that, to me, makes the mark of a very good weekend.
It's so difficult sometimes to flow with His moods. He can be the most doting, sweetest, loving man I have ever met, or he could be the most cruel person I've ever met. Maybe its the extremes that attracts me to him so. But when I am being doted on in one minute and grumped at in the next, I am not sure of how to flow with it.
We're both so busy with work. The next few months will be quite an adjustment. I feel like we're both in a bit of a surreal world with all of the change and newness and growth that we're both experiencing.
I'm glad for laid back and quiet weekends like I just had. The mundane and normal are a comfort to the usual uproar.
I needed to hear that. He called very late last night because he was missing me. I needed to hear that. I feel lost with him gone, and with everything tumbling in my head, I've been feeling more lost than normal.
I've been reading a lot of other female submissive journals about bringing other women into their relationships, and I've been feeling bad that it's been such a challenge for me. But then![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92)
ricks_toy posted about how in the beginning of her relationship with her Master, she felt the same way.
It's about security, knowing you're safe, isn't it. That you're not going to be discarded and left behind.
When I felt his love for me pour out of his heart last night, I relaxed. It isn't about him fucking other women. It's about me needing to feel loved and safe and appreciated and treasured. When I am safe, I am okay. And lately I haven't been feeling safe. I've had lots of fears of abandonment, not being good enough, not being appreciated. And those are all of the emotions he stirred up in me.
It's not about him, it's about me. I project onto him emotions that he certainly must feel, without giving him any consideration of how he must feel himself. I think I have it all figured out, when in essence, I know absolutely nothing.
He's decided to cut his trip short. He was supposed to be gone for another two weeks, but he's coming home late next week. I can't wait. I've missed him more lately than I ever have. I've done so much soul searching lately, and I feel like pouring my heart out to him. But when he's working, he doesn't have time to think about me or our issues. He needs to come home, rest, be pampered and loved, and then when he creates a space for me to speak, I will tell him.
I will tell him that I have two very complex sides of me. I have a side that desires to be loved, cherished, adored, appreciated and desired. And when she gets what she needs, she can let go to the side that needs to love, serve, obey, adore, sacrifice, and suffer for his pleasure. I think he knows this, and I don't think there are easy formulas for dealing with those complexities. How does he know when the princess within me gets her fill? I need better transparency so he knows. I need to communicate better.
I have been reading so many journals of other submissives lately, and I don't know what I'd do without their words. I have so much to learn, and I need a sisterhood of submissives going through the same thing.
I've been reading a lot of other female submissive journals about bringing other women into their relationships, and I've been feeling bad that it's been such a challenge for me. But then
ricks_toy posted about how in the beginning of her relationship with her Master, she felt the same way. It's about security, knowing you're safe, isn't it. That you're not going to be discarded and left behind.
When I felt his love for me pour out of his heart last night, I relaxed. It isn't about him fucking other women. It's about me needing to feel loved and safe and appreciated and treasured. When I am safe, I am okay. And lately I haven't been feeling safe. I've had lots of fears of abandonment, not being good enough, not being appreciated. And those are all of the emotions he stirred up in me.
It's not about him, it's about me. I project onto him emotions that he certainly must feel, without giving him any consideration of how he must feel himself. I think I have it all figured out, when in essence, I know absolutely nothing.
He's decided to cut his trip short. He was supposed to be gone for another two weeks, but he's coming home late next week. I can't wait. I've missed him more lately than I ever have. I've done so much soul searching lately, and I feel like pouring my heart out to him. But when he's working, he doesn't have time to think about me or our issues. He needs to come home, rest, be pampered and loved, and then when he creates a space for me to speak, I will tell him.
I will tell him that I have two very complex sides of me. I have a side that desires to be loved, cherished, adored, appreciated and desired. And when she gets what she needs, she can let go to the side that needs to love, serve, obey, adore, sacrifice, and suffer for his pleasure. I think he knows this, and I don't think there are easy formulas for dealing with those complexities. How does he know when the princess within me gets her fill? I need better transparency so he knows. I need to communicate better.
I have been reading so many journals of other submissives lately, and I don't know what I'd do without their words. I have so much to learn, and I need a sisterhood of submissives going through the same thing.
With him away, I have lots of time to tumble thoughts in my head.
Submission to me is so tied to sexuality that I can't break them apart. Without the sexual high, I am not naturally submissive. After all, I ran a division of a Fortune 50 company for years before I started my own business and ran that successfully. I am driven, a go-getter, a hard worker. I am smart, a hard worker, and when I am right, I know I am right and I am willing to fight for what I know is right.
I have learned how not to be that in this relationship. And I've learned how to channel that driven energy into serving him quite successfully. It's one of the reasons he can't live without me. His business is successful because of me, because of my organizational skills, because of my business acumen.
This is not meant to sound egotistical. It is reality, and he would say the same thing. In some ways, he has become as dependent on me as I have him.
I wasn't looking for a business partner and I wasn't looking for another husband. I did the non-submissive partnership marriage and it didn't work for me. I needed a relationship in which I could look up to my man, where he could be the captain and I could serve. I needed to bridge my fantasy world with my real world.
And he was able to do that for me. He made something scary very safe and he got to experiment with his fantasy world as well.
And I have loved. I love. More than I ever have before.
With him traveling so much, I have drifted back into sexual fantasy as my primary sexual outlet. He's not here to serve, and he doesn't really give me anything to do as service to him other than run his business when he is gone. I am still very much wholly focused on him sexually, but I am back to living out my sex life in my head. And that means I am back to living the way I was before, except that the object of my submission is a live human being who is not there to be the yang to my yin. And sadly, when he has been here for short periods of time, he has barely used me in that way.
I'm frustrated. Hurt. Sad.
Anger hasn't kicked in yet, so I know I'm not ready to leave yet. But I hang here in limbo wondering what's next.
I can't get myself motivated to think about anyone else. For now, I just have to wait and see what's next. And continue to focus on what I want, and somehow forget and diminish what I don't.
Submission to me is so tied to sexuality that I can't break them apart. Without the sexual high, I am not naturally submissive. After all, I ran a division of a Fortune 50 company for years before I started my own business and ran that successfully. I am driven, a go-getter, a hard worker. I am smart, a hard worker, and when I am right, I know I am right and I am willing to fight for what I know is right.
I have learned how not to be that in this relationship. And I've learned how to channel that driven energy into serving him quite successfully. It's one of the reasons he can't live without me. His business is successful because of me, because of my organizational skills, because of my business acumen.
This is not meant to sound egotistical. It is reality, and he would say the same thing. In some ways, he has become as dependent on me as I have him.
I wasn't looking for a business partner and I wasn't looking for another husband. I did the non-submissive partnership marriage and it didn't work for me. I needed a relationship in which I could look up to my man, where he could be the captain and I could serve. I needed to bridge my fantasy world with my real world.
And he was able to do that for me. He made something scary very safe and he got to experiment with his fantasy world as well.
And I have loved. I love. More than I ever have before.
With him traveling so much, I have drifted back into sexual fantasy as my primary sexual outlet. He's not here to serve, and he doesn't really give me anything to do as service to him other than run his business when he is gone. I am still very much wholly focused on him sexually, but I am back to living out my sex life in my head. And that means I am back to living the way I was before, except that the object of my submission is a live human being who is not there to be the yang to my yin. And sadly, when he has been here for short periods of time, he has barely used me in that way.
I'm frustrated. Hurt. Sad.
Anger hasn't kicked in yet, so I know I'm not ready to leave yet. But I hang here in limbo wondering what's next.
I can't get myself motivated to think about anyone else. For now, I just have to wait and see what's next. And continue to focus on what I want, and somehow forget and diminish what I don't.
The complexity of this issue doesn't go away.
He told me this morning that he had an answer to my why, the question I ask of why do you stay with me if you don't feel sexual attraction to me. He says that I put too much emphasis on our sexual relationship when all other parts of our relationship work. He says if there isn't conflict, then our relationship isn't working. That as long as we're talking, we're good.
I guess he's right.
But the issue doesn't go away. The fact is he is not attracted to me sexually anymore. He loves how I serve him, he likes our friendship, he loves me as a friend and the mother of his child. But he doesn't feel sexual attraction to me the way he used to.
Instead of using me sexually last night when he had opportunity to do so, he watched porn and took care of things himself.
That makes me feel unloved, useless, pointless. He wants me as a domestic slave, but not as a lover. That hurts a hell of a lot when the whole reason I got involved with him was because of my sexual attraction and devotion to him.
I suppose this is what I asked for, to be a servant, to love no matter how much I am loved, to serve no matter how much I receive back. I guess if I was really a true submissive, I would submit to the desires and drives he has and be okay with the fact that he does not feel lust or attraction towards me.
If he was attracted to me AND other women, I would be okay. I would feel much more open and much less rejected. But that's not true submission, is it?
Maybe I am not really as submissive as I think, because it doesn't feel fulfilling to me at all to know that I am just a domestic servant.
I guess I wish he would just go and do it, go fuck other women, find out whatever it is that he really wants, just move on. I can't leave him, it isn't my place to do so. But if he doesn't want me anymore, just go. Make yourself happy, Master, because I can't do it.
I know he won't, not now. He needs me too much for keeping his life together. But every minute he stays here knowing that he isn't fulfilled is a minute in which I am unfulfilled.
He told me this morning that he had an answer to my why, the question I ask of why do you stay with me if you don't feel sexual attraction to me. He says that I put too much emphasis on our sexual relationship when all other parts of our relationship work. He says if there isn't conflict, then our relationship isn't working. That as long as we're talking, we're good.
I guess he's right.
But the issue doesn't go away. The fact is he is not attracted to me sexually anymore. He loves how I serve him, he likes our friendship, he loves me as a friend and the mother of his child. But he doesn't feel sexual attraction to me the way he used to.
Instead of using me sexually last night when he had opportunity to do so, he watched porn and took care of things himself.
That makes me feel unloved, useless, pointless. He wants me as a domestic slave, but not as a lover. That hurts a hell of a lot when the whole reason I got involved with him was because of my sexual attraction and devotion to him.
I suppose this is what I asked for, to be a servant, to love no matter how much I am loved, to serve no matter how much I receive back. I guess if I was really a true submissive, I would submit to the desires and drives he has and be okay with the fact that he does not feel lust or attraction towards me.
If he was attracted to me AND other women, I would be okay. I would feel much more open and much less rejected. But that's not true submission, is it?
Maybe I am not really as submissive as I think, because it doesn't feel fulfilling to me at all to know that I am just a domestic servant.
I guess I wish he would just go and do it, go fuck other women, find out whatever it is that he really wants, just move on. I can't leave him, it isn't my place to do so. But if he doesn't want me anymore, just go. Make yourself happy, Master, because I can't do it.
I know he won't, not now. He needs me too much for keeping his life together. But every minute he stays here knowing that he isn't fulfilled is a minute in which I am unfulfilled.
lovedI had been feeling so good about the relationship, about where we were after all of the trauma of the past few months. Then last night he dropped a bomb on me.
He's said for a long time that he misses fucking other women. I told him nearly 8 months ago that he had freedom to do whatever he wanted, that I would submit to what he needed. But he never has. Instead, he lives in turmoil over who he wants to be - the good family man - and his inner drives.
After returning from his trip, he's sunk into a depression. Last night, he told me it was because he had opportunities to fuck other women and he didn't and he is depressed about it. He told me about a few of them, and told me how he turned down their advances. He told me about the strippers, about the half naked girls running around the casino. And he told me how much angst it caused him.
I never got any, "I'm so glad to come home to you" in the short time he's been back. And the juxtaposition of his depression and near resentment towards me for it is enough to put me over the edge.
I'm mostly okay with him screwing around, believe it or not. But for me, it has to be an AND thing, not an OR thing. It has to be that he feels desire for me AND other women, but when he says some of the things he says, it becomes an OR thing. And I cannot, will not, be the person who causes him this pain, even though he's making himself miserable by his own decisions.
It makes me wonder sometimes how D/s we really are. He obviously isn't doing what he wants, then blames me for it. Isn't he submitting to an imagined imposition I am making, when I have clearly given him freedom? It also makes me wonder whether or not this relationship is really what he wants.
It makes me feel like the only reason he is with me is because I give so much, I serve him so well, but in terms of actual desire to be with me.... well, where's that? If it doesn't exist, if he's only with me because of responsibility, or he thinks this is the best he can get, or because of the intertwined financial situation, then I don't want to hold him in this place any more.
After everything we've been through, I kind of feel like I deserve better. I don't feel like it's fair that he blames me for decisions he's made himself.
And I definitely know I deserve to be with someone who wants me, but I am not feeling that. I just feel that he wants his variety, not that he really wants me.
I just don't know where this leaves us, but it is, once again, tearing me up inside to know he's punishing himself - and me - for this. It kills my submission. I need to know he wants me, that he isn't here just because of the responsibility.
I can't say I will ever understand his need for variety. I just don't get it. Since I met him, I've been focused on him and him alone, and there is no other man who even comes close in my mind and heart. Is that impossible for a man? Is it just impossible for him? Is it impossible for him with me? He was faithful to his ex-wife for years, even though she cheated on him. He has it in him. But apparently not with me.
I just don't know. But I'm doing my best to submit to him and what he wants, even though it tortures me on a regular basis. It's crazy. He hasn't done anything, yet these discussions (of which there have been quite a few) make me feel like he might as well have fucked every woman in the world.
I just don't know how much more I can take.
I often think I am not set up for relationship. Perhaps I would do better just fucking around, protecting my heart.
I've never had this experience before. I have always had monogamous relationships and no one ever strayed, well, at least the relationships since college - but that was a freakin' free for all anyway. I am used to men committing to me emotionally and sexually. And I love him more than I ever loved anyone else, and he can't do that. I've accepted it, but it doesn't make it feel any better in my heart.
He's said for a long time that he misses fucking other women. I told him nearly 8 months ago that he had freedom to do whatever he wanted, that I would submit to what he needed. But he never has. Instead, he lives in turmoil over who he wants to be - the good family man - and his inner drives.
After returning from his trip, he's sunk into a depression. Last night, he told me it was because he had opportunities to fuck other women and he didn't and he is depressed about it. He told me about a few of them, and told me how he turned down their advances. He told me about the strippers, about the half naked girls running around the casino. And he told me how much angst it caused him.
I never got any, "I'm so glad to come home to you" in the short time he's been back. And the juxtaposition of his depression and near resentment towards me for it is enough to put me over the edge.
I'm mostly okay with him screwing around, believe it or not. But for me, it has to be an AND thing, not an OR thing. It has to be that he feels desire for me AND other women, but when he says some of the things he says, it becomes an OR thing. And I cannot, will not, be the person who causes him this pain, even though he's making himself miserable by his own decisions.
It makes me wonder sometimes how D/s we really are. He obviously isn't doing what he wants, then blames me for it. Isn't he submitting to an imagined imposition I am making, when I have clearly given him freedom? It also makes me wonder whether or not this relationship is really what he wants.
It makes me feel like the only reason he is with me is because I give so much, I serve him so well, but in terms of actual desire to be with me.... well, where's that? If it doesn't exist, if he's only with me because of responsibility, or he thinks this is the best he can get, or because of the intertwined financial situation, then I don't want to hold him in this place any more.
After everything we've been through, I kind of feel like I deserve better. I don't feel like it's fair that he blames me for decisions he's made himself.
And I definitely know I deserve to be with someone who wants me, but I am not feeling that. I just feel that he wants his variety, not that he really wants me.
I just don't know where this leaves us, but it is, once again, tearing me up inside to know he's punishing himself - and me - for this. It kills my submission. I need to know he wants me, that he isn't here just because of the responsibility.
I can't say I will ever understand his need for variety. I just don't get it. Since I met him, I've been focused on him and him alone, and there is no other man who even comes close in my mind and heart. Is that impossible for a man? Is it just impossible for him? Is it impossible for him with me? He was faithful to his ex-wife for years, even though she cheated on him. He has it in him. But apparently not with me.
I just don't know. But I'm doing my best to submit to him and what he wants, even though it tortures me on a regular basis. It's crazy. He hasn't done anything, yet these discussions (of which there have been quite a few) make me feel like he might as well have fucked every woman in the world.
I just don't know how much more I can take.
I often think I am not set up for relationship. Perhaps I would do better just fucking around, protecting my heart.
I've never had this experience before. I have always had monogamous relationships and no one ever strayed, well, at least the relationships since college - but that was a freakin' free for all anyway. I am used to men committing to me emotionally and sexually. And I love him more than I ever loved anyone else, and he can't do that. I've accepted it, but it doesn't make it feel any better in my heart.
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